They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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