Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
