I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
