you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
