i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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