just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
