On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
