I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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