John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
