Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Randomize
