my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
