I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
