3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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