I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
"it" just moved
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
