I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
being pregnant is like rehab
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
