I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
