Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Damn victory sex feels great
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