i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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