tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Pants are for mortals
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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