His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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