my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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