Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Vodka?
Forever.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
