"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
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On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
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We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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