Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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