You're completely useless in the revolution.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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