"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I think my moral compass just broke
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
