Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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