a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
