Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
