the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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