My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
