Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
