sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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