just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
