you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
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Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
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I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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