I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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