Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
