Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
