Screwed.edu
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
