is wine microwaveable?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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