if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
