You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
3pm strippers are depressing
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
