No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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