I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
the liver wants what the liver wants
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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