...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
