New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Never underestimate the power of titties
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