i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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