Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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