I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
