So drunk its hurt
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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