You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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