new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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