Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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