I'm lost and stupid without you.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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