i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
