Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
