You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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