If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
