Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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